Something just occurred to me. The diner had no second floor, but I went there non the less. I must have been really high by now, or I was stranded in Dexter's Laboratory. The abandoned part.
Well, I'm here, might as well look around. Or not. I guess Stephen Hawking was right about the existence of black holes, because a red one just materialized behind me. Having a natural fear of my molecules exploding at the speed of light (or was that in Ghostbusters?), I ran as fast as I could.
Looks like Dexter was in an uncharacteristically silly mood however, because apparently he decided to build this part of his lab to be a fun-house. The walls literally moved in front of me, denying an escape route from the black hole chasing me. So I ran some more. Eventually, the wall stopped so I took a left turn, knocking over some... I don't know, aborted fetuses wrapped in burlap sacks I guess, just to slow down the black hole. Wow this sounds incredibly sick and silly at the same time, if you say it out loud.
After some Benny Hill esque running and screaming I found a water slide, again strengthening my suspicion of the whole fun-house theme. Although I have a few questions about this. Who builds automatic deadly spike traps in a water slide? How did the prison bus get in here? How the hell does this fit in, or rather above the diner? I may never know. At least I lost the black hole... NOT.
After I turned around parts of the room I found myself in (seriously, this happened), my old buddy, the red black hole found me again, so it was time for some more Benny Hill silliness. Surely enough, I lost it again after taking a staircase upwards.
MY GOD WHAT A TALL STAIRCASE, I thought as I ascended up on it for about five minutes. Then I remembered. I'm high and I'm also in a spooky abandoned laboratory fun-house. What the hell, time to go down. To my biggest surprise it actually worked. After like ten seconds of walking down, I bumped into a door. HOW DOES THAT WORK? Whatever.
Going through said door, was in the diner again. Well, that made a lot of sense.
I put one leg after another and soon I found myself near a gas station, with some buildings looming in the fog ahead. The place seemed completely abandoned so stealing a map of Silent Hill seemed reasonable. What are they going to do? Put me in prison? I also found a wrench and randomly decided to smash open the obviously over-sized lock on the gate leading to the back of the station. Since I didn't find anything worthwhile, I decided to climb to the roof to get a better view... and there it was. A freaking wheelchair. A wheelchair? Indeed. Now what kind of god damn sense does that make? You have to be either very determined or very stoned to do this. I followed the path which lead to another building. I found a rock. I threw it.
After I followed a set of wheelchair tracks up some stairs (this guy must be a paralympic or something), I found myself at a tram station but it was out of order. Keeping my good habit of stealing other people's stuff I took some game tokens. OBVIOUSLY they'll come handy in the future.
Following the road, I found a car. Since I'm an universal genius, I quickly deduced that it was and old '52, flat-head V8, no doubt about it. As I loudly remarked the details of this fine automobile, Morgan Freeman came out of nowhere, dressed as a postman. We exchanged some awkward words, then he disappeared into thin air. He really must be god. I also forgot to ask for an autograph.
It started to rain and because of the poor quality fabric of my prison jumpsuit, I got completely drenched in exactly two seconds. I got hungry, plus the rain remind me that I haven't took a leak in hours, so I entered the nearby diner, named charmingly the Devil's Pitstop. Via back door, using the wrench. Obviously.
The place looked like it was abandoned a long time ago, but oddly enough, fresh food sat on every other table. I lost my appetite so I hit everything with my wrench. I went into the kitchen expecting to find LL Cool J dressed as a chef, but all I got was a gas leak and an electrical fire explosion to the face with the fire alarm booming in my ear. At least my pee problem got solved for a while.
The walls started to melt, rusted fans, chain-link fences, pipes and iron bars grew out from thin air and water rose up, nearly electrocuting me because of the broken breaker box.
It all makes sense now. I'm fucking high and this is just a bad trip.
Hi. I'm Murphy Pendleton. I'm a prison bitch. This is my diary of my adventures in Silent Hill.
As I said, I'm a prison bitch, or rather I was. After having a particularly disturbing dream, about my warden spazzing the hell out in front of the elevator, and about a blonde manbearpig I slaughtered in the prison shower, I woke up in my cell. I was sad that it was all just a dream, because I finally felt in control in the shower for the first time. All was not lost however, because I just got a transfer to Wayside Max. As my warden led me to the exit, I walked as slowly as humanly possible, to savor the last words of my prison mates. It was a glorious feeling knowing that they won't be able to touch me in my no place ever again.
Slowly, we approached the courtyard where the bus waited for me. I stepped in line with some racial stereotypes to board said vehicle. A guard kept his precision shotgun from the roof on us during the whole time. A police woman in CSI shades gave me the meanest look she could, stopped me and said my name out loud, but apparently she's got a memory problem, since she didn't said anything else, so she let me up. Women these days. Come to think of it, I haven't seen one in years. Score?
The bus rolled out of the courtyard and the weather changed from a sunny day to a foggy night in point five seconds. Flashbacks tormented me about a kid I may or may not be related to. I also may or may not killed him, I guess. Anyway, it was awkward. Mexican stereotype guy asked me "did you do it?". Had no time to answer, CSI lady kindly invited us to a nice cup of shut the hell up. I quite enjoyed the lovely company and the weather's melancholy, but the trip was short lived however, as a random canyon in the middle of the road forced us into the forest below. I think I saw a title screen as I blacked out. Strange.
My vision was blurry, my head felt heavy, but I was able to slowly pick myself up from the ground. I was in the damp, foggy forest, alone, cold and all the nice racial stereotypes disappeared along with the CSI lady. I haven't had a blackout like this since I lost my virginity in the pris I MEAN in that one party, but somehow I managed to lose my handcuffs and pull a journal out of my ass in the process.
I also decided that I should constantly talk to my self throughout my journey.
Anyway, since I was alone and all, I decided to roll with it and try to find a way out. Found myself an inexplicably enormous flashlight on the dead bus driver and marched on through the forest and a fallen tree above a bottomless pit. "Damn my agoraphobia" I thought, but as I finished crossing, I heard a familiar voice. It was the nice CSI Lady, unfortunately pointing a gun on me, demanding something about the fetal position and myself. She tried to follow me through the chasm, but to my absolute and genuine shock and horror, she fell to her death. That's that about me scoring anytime soon I suppose.
I tried to show emotion over the whole ordeal, but I decided not to. With my usual stiff badass wannabee face, I pulled myself up on some rocks and found myself on a foggy road to an unknown town. I guess it's adventure time.